I have created this website with an intention to make it a technical blog. Something about the stuff I genuinely care about. Don't get it twisted, I still think that is a way to go - it would be dumb of me not to try and share info about the thing I do almost constantly for hours almost every day. For example, recently I finally got to dockerize this exact website because I got tired of ot crashing on internet restart. I also finally got to refator an old ass project I've worked on in 2024, got to start a passion project I've wanted to get to for a long time (and I even got to make the GUI API I was looking for for a long time). In a short period of time I'll get to play with and develop for VR gear and you gotta be sure I'll write about that. But while all that is great in itself there is an everlasting feeling deep inside that keeps growing louder and louder with each day. Also now I understand why so many blogs end up containing personal thoughts - there is nowhere else to leave this mess of confusing ideas and feelings at.
Damn, I will regret posting it, will I?
A lot of times it feels that whatever we come up with doesn't matter. The end is nigh - and why bother trying to do anything if it won't matter in the end? I've been catching a lot of those thoughts recently. Whatever I do it feels like I'm at the end of a road - I can try to change something but I've hit the celling. There is nothing left to achieve and even if there is I don't have it in me to do it. Why learning something if folks will just vibecode it, get the cash and call it a day regardless of whether the end result is of a decent quality or not? Why should I try to make up my life if I'll probably end up either dead somewhere on a battlefield (for legal reasont I will not elaborate on that) or broke while the rich will get richer? Why trying to build up connections and friendships if the iron curtain 2.0 is coming closer with each law? Why even bother trying to follow your dreams if you know all you will end up with is a buch of nothingness?
I've thought a lot about the source of those feelings. After all, I can't be the only one who feels that way. Here are some ideas I came up with:
I've also seen a lot of ideas and theories about that. Some claim that human brain wasn't built to take in such an amount of information and those of us who are caught up in doomscrolling cycle are genuinelly going insane. And I'm inclined to belive it - those of us who exist in real life more seem generally happier. Or are they just wearing a mask? I honestly have no idea. The others are speaking that the world is going wrong and while there is some truth to that I still am inclined to believe that we are not screwed and everything will be fine.
And while we can probably ponder about the source of that mental tiredness forever there are things that need to be done. The best idea I came up with is to turn off your brain and live on an autopilot. I still get shit done with a decent speed and the only thing that is gone is a genuine will to do it all. That will probably pay out in the end - the self-improvement cycle must go on whether one wants it or not. It just becomes harder and harder to pull out for some reason.
I honestly don't know why I wrote this. To tell someone about it? To use this article as an improvized rubber duck to try and get to the core of those emotions? To finally do something with this blog aside from the one published article and close to a dozen ones I never finished? I don't know. Neither do I know if this one will be up for long if at all.